My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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