I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
