I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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