apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
