I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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