I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
