On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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