Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
