there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
