Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
