Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
