So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
