Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
