I accidentally had phone sex last night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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