Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
