she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
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