the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
