My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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