The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
