I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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