How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
