1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
