insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize