thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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