I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
