Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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