home. puking in laundry basket.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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