yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
