Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
