woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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