I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
