i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
