My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
