I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
