i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
