I hope mine doesn't look like that
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
