Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I would ride that face into the sunset
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
