I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
