When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
