wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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