i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just gargled with NyQuil
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
