come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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