His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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