you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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