just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
