Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Randomize
