People in love make me want to vomit
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
