I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
