I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
