When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
