My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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