I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
