i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize