You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize